


No Rest for the Wicked

by UnintendedTrustfall



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-13 02:55:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9103378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnintendedTrustfall/pseuds/UnintendedTrustfall
Summary: After the Bor Gullet had toyed with Bodhi's mind, he struggles even more with his guilt from working with the Empire.





	

Bodhi could feel himself screaming, but he couldn't hear it. It felt like his head were being crushed, but somehow was unable to give. There was no release, during the entire process. But along with that came memory after memory, or fantasy after fantasy, and he couldn't decipher which were real anymore.

He tried to concentrate. Cling to the memories that would keep him sane. But he couldn't focus on any one long enough before the pain became too intense and distracting.

He felt the cold sweat, clinging to his skin, plastering his hair to his head, but that was all he was consciously aware of.

He didn't know where he was. What was happening. Or even who he was. But as he desperately racked his brain for an answer to cling to, he remembered Cassian's voice from when they'd first met. _Are you the pilot?_

When they'd first met. Right after he'd been tortured by the Bor Gullet. So that couldn't be happening now, could it?

He tried to reason with himself. _Yes. You got away from the Bor Gullet. You went with Cassian. You're the pilot. A defector. You met Jyn Erso. And Chirrut. And Baze. And the droid. K-2SO. You're not in the Bor Gullet cage... then why can't I wake up? Why does my head feel like it's going to implode?_

Bodhi was screaming again. But this time he could hear himself. He could feel himself throwing himself upright. He was vaguely aware that he was trying to get up but two hands held him back. One was small, but strong. The other was solid and mechanical.

It was Jyn and K-2.

Looking around, Bodhi saw he was on the ship. He was lying on a cot on the lower level, coated in a layer of sweat. He then became aware of how dangerously fast he was breathing.

"Hey! Are you listening to me?" Jyn's voice cut through as she gripped his shoulder tighter.

"He's panicking." K-2SO said plainly, removing his hand.

Jyn backed off a little and said, "It's alright, okay? You're alright..."

Bodhi tried to slow his breathing. Normalize it. But his mind was still screaming: _how do you know you really got out? What if this is another of Bor Gullet's tricks?_

Bodhi climbed off the cot and wiped a nervous hand over his sweat slick face. His flight suit was folded down at his waist, leaving only his t-shirt underneath, which was soaked in sweat. He crossed the small space towards the grungy little sink and pulled off the soaking t-shirt. He tossed it over the side of the sink and turned on the tap. Splashing water in his face, he managed to calm himself down somewhat. Ground himself.

"Your heart rate is erratic, would you like me to do a cardiogram?" K-2SO asked evenly.

"No." Bodhi felt embarrassment creeping up his back, up his neck, filling his face. He wanted them to leave him alone. Ignore what they'd just seen. "I'm okay. Just... just a nightmare."

A nightmare. That's all it has been. _Right_? Yes, of course it was. Bor Gullet was gone.

Jyn opened her mouth to say something and then closed it. She exchanged a glance with K-2, and then turned to leave Bodhi alone to collect himself. K-2 seemed to pick up on that and followed her.

If someone had told Bodhi that he was going to have his memories torn apart if he left the Empire, he wouldn't have thought that would be all bad. Painful memories haunted him all day and night as an Imperial pilot. Delivering Kyber crystals to Vader's engineers. Ignoring the officers he watched Vader choke on the landing pad. Watching fellow pilots be killed in battle or worse- as punishment. Everything about Darth Vader's presence terrified Bodhi beyond comprehension.

But now that these memories had been twisted up so badly by the Bor Gullet, he couldn't be sure which were real anymore. Or which had been exaggerated. Or worse, minimized.

How many people were hurt because of him? How many people were dead because of him?

His memories from before he'd been forced into the Empire, were they real? Was any of it real? Had he gotten away? Was he alive?


End file.
